Kah Nyinzzz

Some wise man says…when misery befall on you, there are some hope for you as well. As for me, when I had lost the man that I once loved, and a friend that I always stood up for that left me eternally, my life is like a roller coaster. At times, I feel like screaming for help for my heart that had to bear the pain of the lost. I hope someone would hear me from the inside. And finally it does. This person is EKA.

Well…not everyone is this world is perfect in every aspect. So does he. But what really matter is…what he has in him had made my life complete. Knowing him as a part of my life and made me see that…when someone is sincere to you, no matter what you say or do, he will always see the goodness in you and accept the weakness in you. Lucky me..that the government sent me to a place called Sabah. If I’m not here, maybe I will never understand what is really meant by “relationship chemistry”.

He is a good friend, best friend, buddy, boy friend to me.. But of course..he is also the one that able to make me stand up on my feet and telling me love is not the only thing you need in your life. We must be able to balance up our life with little thing of this a little thing of that. I used to cry  a lot…but after knowing him..he had shown me that Crying is not the best solution. Nothing will happen if you just cry. Take some actions, thats more realistic. (But the way he advise people, make you feel like throwing a shoe at him.. hehehe)

Last but not least, now…the sea had separate us apart. But it didn’t stop us from contacting each other. We still giving support and opinion towards each other like the good old days..

The previous blog was about the friends who introduced to me what is Sabah.

The current blog, I will talk about my coursemates in UMS. Usually I will hang out with almost everyone. But the frequent ones are Joanne, Kien, Choo Li, SK, Kok Fei. Yip, Phey Fuen and Ee Teng. Sometimes I love hanging around Alizan, Jerni also. The last two person i mention were the ones who likes to joke and basically we can talk about “ANYTHING”.

When I had my blow suring my second year, the first group of friends I mention always care about me and they really make sure I was still in one piece. Especially Phey Fuen. I remembered she always asked me, are you ok? You are getting thinner… She had this motherly instinct in her. Joanne…she may look serious at times, but when she really want to fool around (God knows what she can do !!!???). Chooi Li..she is a person which I called the Ups and Downs. She can laugh out of her heart till tears running out from her eyes and yet she is a person you cant mess around…(you will never know you will get bombed…hahaha Just joking k?) Kien, he is like this universal robot. He is like this typical guy that are programmed to know everything. From techno to cooking, fashion, pro hair cutter and have a face that boleh tahan…(always dreamt by girls except ME…!!!) Why? Cause he is thin and tall…something opposite me..Hahaha…Ee Teng…she is someone that I wasn’t able to predict. Why? I thought she is person with this serious no fooling around type..but after being close to her, she is actually a person that can be more playful than me. Her feature had this innocent look but the truth is…psst…she is very fierce one. And she is the only one I can always meet up cause she always stop by at Ipoh. Last…SK..this gal is a lost kitten from “Kuching”..she is a year older than me but her attitude and look might look two years younger than me..Nobody able to predict her age accurately. Hahaha…

Next, is Kok Fei.Yip. He is like my big bro (cause I dun have one in my real life). He always take care of me..sometimes more than my boyfren. He stood by me if anything happens to me and oftenly watched out for me..So whatever happens, I would do the same for him cause he makes me feel secured. Here comes Yik Hau, this also lost kitten from Kuching. I expected him to be someone that less talking but out of my surprise, he is someone that is not predictable as well. He loves to create jokes that would make someone feels like throwing a shoe at him but at the same time laugh their hearts out. Wondering how is he now?

They are few others more….coming up in Part III. Thanks for reading.

On the 23th of August 2008, is the date i finally ended my studies in 3 years. Looking back in these 3 years, i finally knew which are the ones that always be with me when I’m up or when I’m down. I get to know that friends can be the ones that would stuck up for you or they might be the ones that would put you down. No matter what they are, these people are the ones that would shape what kind of person you are today.

In this three years, i have known a lot of friends from different states, district and backgrounds. Undeniably, they sure have different kind of attitude. Each of them are unique. If I have to list them out who are they, it would take a long time. Just my course mates, it’s already over 60 of them. Haven’t included those are not my course mates…but one thing for sure, I am glad to know them while I was exiled into a place that is called Sabah.

When I first reach there, everything seems strange to me, but when I start to blend in with some of the Sabahans there, everything starts to fall in the right place, (Seja, Deborah, Nelsey, Shila, Maziah). These names are the friends that I first knew when i stranded on an island called "Kolej Kediaman E". To me, they are the ones who show me what kind of people or culture they have in Sabah.  Seja is fierce but inside she loves being loved. Deborah is a person that know everything though outside she looks fresh like a green leaf. Shila…to me, she is a soft spoken person and she resembles "toufu" cause she looks soft and white. Nelsey, she is an hyperactive person and smart. Why? She can do last minute studies (aquaculture) and yet able to get good results. Most importantly, she is hardworking and able to walk a long journey to a place called "lecture class" a.k.a "the aquarium". And lastly, Maziah..sounds like a Malay name but she’s a Catholic (shocked? I felt the same the first time..). This girl makes me think of  a Malaysia hot chili which usually called "cili api". She is an out spoken person and often shows her true feeling (angry, sad or happy). Once I remembered, she is afraid or multi-legged insects (actually we both scared of it), and we ended up sitting in the middle of the floor in the living room till someone come and save us. Last but not least, each of them had their own specialist in something. Seja= Hair braiding, Deborah= Eyebrow shaping, Fashion consultant, Make up artist, Shila= Great Cook, Nelsey= Personal hygiene (you guys know what i meant), Maziah= Make up artist, Fashion consultant, hair designing (especially with buns). How would I ever will forget each of them??!!…

P/S: Part II coming up next…

How do we know that person that we talked to everyday is sincere to you? They do not talk bad about you…judgmental towards you..For me, whenever i start to build trust on someone, somehow that person will back stab and i will hear words coming from other people saying what that person say bout me. Today, i don’t feel good, cause while i was talking to some people in my class, i felt that they give me that kind of "look". A "look" that as if they had something in their mind bout me. But they just pretend that dont know. It feels hard for me to trust someone. Thinking that they are ok. It is just your feelings. The most sickening thing is, when they act nicely in front of you, the next thing you know, your back in wounded with daggers stabs. I really miss those days when controversial things doesn’t really bothers me at all. Seems hard when you are a sensitive person like me…

Why we need to be honest? And when we need to be honest? For me, we need to be honest, cause the feeling of being lied to is not good at all. The person that lie and the person being lied to will feel awfully idiotic. But i also believe honesty is not a 100% good thing either. Either way, it is up to us how to judge it. I believe, if that matter will bring happiness and not sadness people around us, it is wise for us to be honest.

Last but not least, do not make assumption that is not needed. Assumption is only what we assume. But to know the truth, we need to try it out and see whether our assumption is just an assumption or a reality after all…

Someone say something sweet to me today and it makes me drop my tears for the first time since the last blow. That person told me, he don’t know how to go on once I am back to Peninsular after i graduated. He feels pain of losing me as a fren, he wanted me to stay but he knows he can’t do that cause he knows me and him need to be separated one day due to we comes from two different world.

We both are like a pair of frens that doesn’t need words to understand what each other is trying to say. We both understand each other feelings and attitude. We both even able to accept each other attitude though at times we quarrel over different opinion. But in the end, we will apologize to each other and say we are sorry.

I also wish that i can stay here and be his true friend. Be with him when he is sad, happy, depressed or in anger. But i only can help him from a distance when i back to Peninsular. Today, while he is saying those words, he was crying. He say, "How am I going to do with my life when you are gone. I really hate my life now. I feel miserable." I only manage drop my tears while listening. I calm him by telling him that even though I am back to Peninsular, I will still sms or call him. We still can remain the same though we might far apart…

He is the first guy that ever shown that my existence is very very much appreciated. Will I ever find someone that ever appreciate me just like him? Or even close as him?

Life is still the same…assignments…and lectures and of course exams. Something was circling a round my mind lately…It was an issue. "Does love stays forever?" or "Is it love will change or become less hot and become more cool off from time to time?" Does a pair of couple spend to much time together will make relationship go dull and out of topic? That is what i see in every relationship that i have been through. Though i hate to admit this, i failed in few relationships and the ending is usually i felt boring or the other party will feel boring in the relationship. Then if yes, how are we suppose to make sure there are still fireworks in the relationship?

I felt a bit tough lately. At times, felt like needing someone to lean on and cry on too , maybe due to pressure that i have to bear. my friends also have their things to worry about so I need someone that is not related to my field to listen to what i say. But seems like it is impossible. Hehehe…cause people around currently, majority are from my own course. Damn…i suddenly felt that i need love…Hehehe..
Sounds desperate but what can i do? I am a girl after all..need someone to be cared and loved for but at the same time, want to love and care for someone.

A new year had yet begun…my 2nd year of studies had passed. in my 2nd year, as i stated before, i lost my boyfriend, my close fren and life was like in a hurricane. And i am caught in between it.

But God is fair, he sent someone else to me and made it feel much better. That someone makes my life much better ever since. He taught me what is life and how to survive whenever I face any obstacles. He even made me feel appreciated and tell me not to live by depending on others. Even though he is younger than me but he is far much more mature than me. He taught me how to love unconditionally. HOw to love without expecting the same type of love in return. This is the words that he said to me and make me emerged from my blues, despair and sadness. HE stood right beside me whenever i need a person to cry to and listen to. Never get bored with all the problems that i showered on him.

BUt there are times, he is very stern with me. Whenever i cry something over the things that i should get over with, he will say it with a stern voice "what for you cry over something that is not worth it?" Get over it and move on. It’s been over a year since i had the great fall, now , i am able to let go totally with what i am holding on for so long that wouldn’t bring me to any where by near or by far. I just put it on a river and it flows away to where the current may bring it to. One thing for sure, if the thing is mine then it will be no matter it may go…

Besides, i have a few groups of very very supportive frens, i think without mentioning their names, they should know who are ‘they’ i am refering to. They always stand beside me and let me know that i am  not alone.

And now, i feel much better and more confidence cause for once i had lost it for quite some time..

After 6 months had past since the last blow, i finally stand up on my feet. I finally know where is the prob..and i finally know who is the girl. I’m not angry nor frustrated, but feeling sad and stupid. Cause i don’t see it coming. God really loves me and he kept on giving me hints what is really going on but i was blinded..blinded with love.

Now I just have to build up my courage and faith again, to walk with confidence all the way to the future without looking back. The past might hurt me deeply but it had made me think in a more mature way and show me what is life and what is adulthood.. By going through such  a great fall, it had showed me, what is true love and what is not. I have come a conclusion that, a true love, doesn’t mean you need to spend the rest of him or her, but if you can, that is a very great achievement in  a relationship and it is a great treasure. Unfortunately, if you had failed along the way, all you have to do is appreciate and treasure the moments that you once had.

It might hurt but that is life. But most important, you must be brave and stand on your feet again and accept someone new in life. People come in and out in our daily life, we just have to manage in a well-mannered way with people that drop by and walk away. I believe god had it’s will to put us through all the pain cause i believe, No Pain, No Gain. And i believe God is fair. He won’t simply lets His believer to suffer without any reasons. Gan En.

After a day my blog being posted, a lot of sms and comment coming in.  Really glad  to know they are people out there still care about me. But for now, I’m really spliting myself into half. One side needs to be strong and the other needs attention. No matter what, i will be strong so  i won’t let my friends down. Guess i need time to adapt but only God knows how long it will take. Trust and Friendship is something i need to get for the time being. Heart feels empty and need to feel it up with something more meaningful. For now, still in search to fill that emptiness.
    Thanks for ppl who concern about me out there. At least i know i’m not forgotten. Bless all my friends and Really GLAD to have you guys in my life. No matter it’s new frens or old frens.